By: Chenwei Ren
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Is a common question asked by my parents ever since I was a kid. But my days as a kid were simple; I didn’t have to put much effort into anything at all. I was allowed to be ignorant of the world around me, and focus solely on myself and my world of imagination. It’s only natural for children to mature as they grow older.
However, I’ve always despised growing up. Society expects teenagers to be burdened with the stress of their futures and especially by doing something productive everyday. In fact, teens feel guilty if they don’t do something productive. This toxic cycle is conflicted during the time of adolescence, the period of time where the human body is supposed to develop and enjoy the only time of enjoying your teenage years.
As for me, well, time is quickly passing by. I can’t seem to grab a hold of it. Wasting time is all I can do now. Perhaps I should make a difference to my day to day schedule. I avoid doing things that’s outside of my comfort zone, and slowly I grow to hate my bad habits day to day. I can’t seem to face the future, so I choose to deny and ignore it.
As a kid, I used to always have new ideas, my brain filled with things I wanted to do. It’s hard thinking for myself now. People have always told me, “you don’t know when you enjoy something until it is leaving you,” and you don’t know what you could’ve done to keep it.
People always find something new to revolve their lives around, our entire sense of self worth is predicated upon our belief that we matter in the universe. But I don’t feel like anything. My identity was built from memories, the ones I’ve created and the ones I have yet to be made. But what happens when no one remembers anything? It’s not like I know whether or not I’ll leave my mark when I leave this earth. Nothing sets me apart from anyone then.
But these are all just thoughts living in my head, visiting me everyday to give me a “I feel horrible” reality check. This is what it’ll be like for now. I have the rest of my life waiting for me, after all.