A Horrible Restaurant

By: Vincent Wang

To my fellow Yelp frequenters who have stumbled upon this page while looking for homey restaurants to enjoy a good dinner in, brace yourself. Just like you, there was a time where I was innocent. There was a time where I didn’t know the true horrors bad food could bring.

I came across this restaurant while walking home from work one day, and I was immediately enthralled by the cozy looks. I decided to spend my dinner there because the restaurant advertised my favorite food: noodles.

I opened the door, stepped into the building, and was immediately bombarded by hostile looks from the teenage staff that are probably being paid minimum wage. Nevertheless, I got a table, and proceeded to order my favorite type of noodle: the scallion oil noodle. I was a little put-off by the horrid smell of plastic burning, but I just assumed that a new helper had accidentally burned a sponge or something. Whatever. This was no big deal.

WRONG! When my dish came out, not only did the noodles look like someone had taken a ball of dough, threw it at the wall multiple times, then cooked it for a few seconds, it tasted awful too. It had the consistency of slime that had been microwaved and tasted like tofu that had been buried in a graveyard next to rotting dead bodies and dug back up again. I instantly gagged, spitting all the noodles out. I now suspected that the burning plastic smell might have something to do with my dish.

Dear reader, do you think you know what true pain is? Well, whatever you think, the answer is no. You will never understand what agony is until you eat this dish. Imagine being poured a glass of acid that somehow tastes like the smell of alcohol markers, and being forced to eat that. It’s worse. I would rather take the acid. At least I would have been exempt from the awfulness of the dish by death. Gordon Ramsay would take one look at the dish and spontaneously combust from all the cooking laws it must have broken.